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growth chart

Sunday, December 07, 2003

i want to type, but i'm too depressed. life is squeezing breath out of me i don't have. i went to the doc. he gave me meds. i'm waiting to sch and apt to do "talk therapy". woo hoo. :( this really sucks. i want this to be over. just over. no more. he holdidays aren't helping. my mom called me yesterday. that didn't help. her b-day is tues. that really doesn't help. and i'm super-duper tired. i'd like to go to sleep for a couple of days. fat chance. hmm. that sounds good. i'll go to sleep now.

blue is soooo blue :(

Thursday, November 20, 2003

it's another beautiful night. i went out ot walk my dogs and the sky is again amazingly clear. i feel good breathing in the cool breeze and gazing up. unexpectadly i begin to think of my ex. camping is always the first thing to come to mind on a night such as this. it must be becuae i usually camped with him. i loved those times. then i remembered my atronomy class in highschool. we went to our teachers house one night to see the constellations. he went with me. i remember me leaning against him and being held and kept warm. he could be so incredibly sweet and compassionate. i miss that. i don't so much miss him anymore. it's more of missing human touch. he was the only one i'd let touch me. now the people i would let don't live close. life seems to have a warped sense of humor a lot of times.

i did make an appt. with a therapist today. i'm going to see them dec 2. it felt really good to make the call. i'm just ready for the help. i'm ready to face my fears and move forward. i'm pretty excited. :)

off to bed i go. i need to be up super early. i try not to dwell on the past, but tonight i think i will think about being held under the stars on a cool night like this. it's a nice warm memory. just in time for the holidays too:^)

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

there may be a lot of things "wrong" with me, but there are a lot of right things too.

tonight is beautiful. the weather is clear and cool. the stars are amazing. i wouldn't mind sleeping under the stars tonight. instead i am at home and i'm going to watch the second tomb raider movie. it'll be fun. what are the things going thru my brain today/lately? hmm. how nice it is to be breathing. how lucky i am to have a functioning body. how little my family knows about my life and how much i like it. how free i'm beginning to feel now that i'm facing my fears.

i'm a recovering codependant. i need a doctor to help me now. i want a doctor to help me now. a friend said a few things to me the other night that really got under my skin. they said i sounded like a rape victim who blames themselves for being raped. how can i blame myself for everything in my family or how they choose to live. things happened to us all, i just choose to not let it get the better of me. they also said i feel more comfortable in adversarial relationships. ouch. i was being a butt and had my bluff called. they were dead on in both cases.

so here i am. finally admitting i need help. admitting i need to talk to a doctor. i'm not disowning my family as my mother believes. i don't , however, want to be bothered with them right now. no more then i want to spend time with my "church" friends or my best friend. i need to know that my decisions and thoughts are my own. i get side tracked very easily. this has been a good year. i have gotten side tracked, but not for long. it's nice to hear my own thoughts.

i want the best out of life. in order for me to get it i have to give my best. sometimes i do. most of the time i don't. no more. i want the best and i plan on getting it.

soooo, off i go...

laters

blue.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

What the fuck is wrong with me? that's the question of my life. i see the positives in life. i believe in the good. i want to love it. then i have a moment like this one. things look so sad for me. so fucking repetitive. i want to call on my friends and ask for help or for a pick me up. i'm not going to do it. i always feel worst afterwards. i've learned. i read an article about keeping fit and healthy. they say stress and unexpected things throw people off their tracks and the key is to keep going and to know it will happen. something always happens to send us into some kind of spin. i was actually having a tough time thinking of what would possibly keep me in a constant spin. why do i always feel like i'm fighting to swim against the rapids?

i actually answered my own question. i was molested till i was in 5th grade by my father type person. i found out in 4th grade my brother and i had different dads. correctamundo...the so called father figure told me...NOT my mother. after physical abuse stopped it was all conversational, thus my trouble with joking talking or thinking about sex without extreme guilt or feelings of needing to shower 100times. 6th grade first time to actually enjoy school and get constancy good grades. not a word from the mom. 7th grade go back to not giving a shit. sex talks continue. 8th grade tell him to change subject. he does, to other sex. he tells mom. mom angry at me for not MAKING him do what i wanted. right. it's my fault. they have humongous fight and he leaves. then he disapears, thus the feelings of guilt for asking for what i want. his family , my second and perffered family, exile us. they and the mom fight over missing mans money. it belongs to mom, but after 9-10 years they don't think she deserves it. the man hunt start. we find new church. missing mans van found. then missing man found dead. guilt increases. mom buys house and i go to highschool to start new. bank loses all moms money. can't afford to stay. 4 going away parties all to be for nothing. after each i go back b/c mom has put off moving agian. embarassment follows. come home form school one day and house is packed mom is yelling and we leave. only have time to make 2 calls to say good bye. move cross country. learn about prejudice. no one likes me. i don't act my color, but i am that color. mother beats brother. things get out of control. he bleeds, i tell counselor (no one else to talk to)counselor calls police. they take brother and tell mom i told. they aren't supposed to do that. they did. brother taken, but not me. i have to go home. all family and friends of mom call to tell me how horrible i did my mom. that she did nothing wrong. brother home. mom and brother form alliance against me. i am officiall outsider. no more contact with old friends. meet a boy...wrong color. we date. learn more about color rules. can't be intimate. 1yr to hold hands. almost to for first kiss. can't even slow dance with him. terrificed and i cry a lot over it. must choose a good college. i want community to play around and see what's out there first. mom says good private. we can't afford. i get accepted and i go anyways. brake up with boyfriend. get back together. depression sets in. learn mom has taught me noting about living on own. not even how to read a phone bill or pay it. engaged to boyfrend. go home. mom reads diary. huge fight. kicks me out. live with boyfriend and his mom. more fights with my mom. go back to school. mom sends evil mail. depression gets deeper. school counselor doesn't help. grades drop. start having rages and blackouts. leave school. boyfirend brakes up again. suicidal. mom tries to commit,b ut they won't take me. go to shrink and pyhiatrist both. get happy pills. pull hair out in one session. don't trust. same shrink as mom. meds feel great, but fake. stop taking. boyfirend back together. get a dog. antoher fight with mom...abusing her dog. i can't stand it. makes me give up mine. i'm moving. get my dog back from shelter,b ut comes back with parvo. dies horrible death. i leave. given another dog by boyfriend. still have her. she's 10 now. had since 10wks. screw a guy becuase i can. lasted one week. hated it. mom loses house and lives in motels. i get engaged to boyfriend again. we marrow. move in with his best friend and their wife. mom always asking for help and money. making me choose between husband and her. she moves in. we have fight. husband and i move to our own place. mom stalks at home and work. quiets down a bit. i know the pattern. i won't live like this. i can't to that to him. i know her and she won't ever stop. i leave. painfull long serperation. then the divorce. move next to mom. i've got nothing. ex and i try to work it out but no. he moves cross country to get away. omm and brother are insane. always there. i'll never be free. finally move back in after much pleading over years of mom. i can't afford it. allows drunken bro to come against my wishes. back fires and have lots of visits from the police. uncle comes. drugie and drinker. mom gets hooked. i'm bad guy. i'm afraid. of her. for my life. for my dog. ex comes back for last time. will never forget look of pity and sadness in his eyes when he left. shortly after i left too. mom moves home. i struggle to live alone for first time. mom "needs" constant help. letter from ex. don't bother we will never be again. few days before my 25th b-day. mom comes back. can't keep her away. car finally gives out and get another. must rely on moms help in meantime. meet a guy. nice. fun. get side tracked. start a new job. move cities. guy not so interested. never moved away before. work with people who don't like me. and lots of angry people. guy almost sleeps with friends. hate them both. have 1st scream at mom ever. find out ex is remarried. talk to ex. holiday madness. pure stress. new year. spend tax money on new crap and new job instead of planned on bills. constant trips to vet with sick dog and get into more debt. finally go on a real vactation. 1wk. out of country. wow. realize how much i hate me life. go away again. realize even more howmuch i hate my life. going into another holiday and realizing how much i hate what i've let my life become.

currently i'm feeling like a victim. and the one at fault. i am in a constant stated of emotional distress. with the above abriviated time line i have figured out why i am always tense and upset and have no clue what relaxation, saftey, secrurity, and pure enjoyment feel like. i am always on guard. even when i'm not. what am i going to do with myself. i don't want to lie down and accept this crap as my fate. this can't be how God intended me to spend ALL of my days. it wouldn't me right. if it were , i'd like to know what i did in my last life to deserve this, because i didn't do anything in this one. i can't imagine spending another 30yrs fighting like this. fighting to keep the positive. fighting for my "freedom" and sanity. maybe i do need a shrink. maybe i can' do this on my own. i thought i could. i thought if i wanted it bad enough and worked hard enough i could, but maybe this really is bigger then me and all my desires. i don't ususally ask why i'm doing this any more. it's usually just how am i supposed to? this just gets so over whelming and the harder i push the harder it gets. i hate it even more b/c the mom said i'd need help. according to her i should have been seeing a shrink ages ago and still be on meds. i hate to think she is right in anything, but especially this.

tonight is one of those that i can honestly say, if i don't wake up in the morning that will be alright with me. i'm tired of being tired. i'm just so tired. i'm trying so hard to see positives,b ut i'm tired of looking. i just don't care. i know they are there. i know life is beautiful and can be rewarding even with the crap. at 30 the scales are tipped so far the other way. i have no idea how to balance them out. the things i do find pleasure in don't seem to even make a dent. i'm not saying i'm suicidal. i'm just saying living isn't looking actactive right now. sleeping for a looooooooog time. does.

with that, i say goodnight.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

time is passing, taking with it precious moments. the decision before me is the same as since i was a child. what am i going to do about it. it. what is it? it, is life. what am i going to do about my life? in the past i believed not making desicions for what i wanted was simply not making a decision. i know differently now. not making a decision to have what i wanted was deciding to not have "it". my life is now full of things i don't want. so.... what am i going to do about it?

the thought occured to me that i am so angry right now, because i'm afraid. my temper flares so easily. what am i afraid of? i'm afraid someone will take away what i have. the few things i do have that i want i'm afraid someone will decide to take it or damage it. at that moment i felt 10 again. afraid someone would snatch away my dreams. the only way to avoid it was either to not dream or to do it only in my mind. i thought i was protecting myself. maybe i was. no. i know i was. now i am older and capable of living my dreams.

power.

hmm.

all the responsibility that goes along with it. i'm working on updating my mission statement and re-evaluating my values. most have become more true. last time i wrote them i was still afraid someone might read them and think i didn't have good ones, or the right ones. this time that is much less true.

if i were in her position what would i do? i don't know. i'm going to have to think on that one. to be forced to depend on others even for the basics. i can't imagine, but i will try. it is a reminder to take care of what i have. to waste nothing. to appriciate everything. to live.

i am not the same as i was 12mos ago. i don't want to be the same 12 months from now. the only way to ensure that will not happen is to keep moving. align my life with what i value. funny, i never want gifts i can't use. to me that is the best compliment. the greatest one i've ever recieved is my life. funny, i've never looked at it that way. sad too. i don't use it nearly enough.

i better get on the ball.

gotta go...i have an important call to make:)

Thursday, October 30, 2003

SECRET LOVER

pieces
coming together
falling apart

music
tranquility
saftey

release
drums
rythym

my hearts' beat
a dancer
living for the beat

passion erupts
boundries do not exist
all are one

one with music
one with rythym
all cares are gone

comfort
intimacy
peace

music does not hate
music loves l
music welcomes everyone

notes caress my skin
rythem penetrates my soul
wispering to me "all is well"

mucic
my secret lover
my confidant

keeper of my deepest fears
protector of my secret heart
music

music runs thru my veins
when music hits my ears we become one
music and i

i feel music
i live music
am i music

music is always here
never judgemental
never too busy

always understanding
always there to catch my tears
always encouraging

i love music
music loves me
music


FELT BY BLUEFAIREE
btw, just realized that my link to my slashdot journal actually works! this means that if anyone is actually reading this and you have something you'd like to say, feel free to go to my other page and post a comment there:)
now that i am here so many things i want to blog about escape me. the weight of doubt is suffocating right now. my initial response is to run. i want to run to someone i know and stay with them. i want warmth, a caring reasuring touch. i want intimacy and connection. everything i'm not feeling at this moment.

i bought a "God" jar today. i've been tossing around the idea for years. today was the day. it's beautiful and it's huge. i have much i am in need of letting go of. in particular my questions and doubt regarding him and his intentions. our relationship and been rocky on good days. most days i just ignore him the best i can. i'm not going to run to him. i will take one step at a time. today i took a huge step.

saw kill bill today. thought about anger and vengance. a lot of times drawing, singing, ya-da ya-da, just isn't enough. the full flood (cataract) of my emotions is way to much and i just want to let it go. no holding back. my mind and body feel pushed to it's limits of holding back. i don't break. i want to though. right now is one of said moments. to be uma would be to let it all go. alas, i am not uma and i have to one to slice limbs from or decapitate. so here i sit type typing away.

a comment made in a journal i read earlier gave me even more food for thought. i'm honestly beginning to think i might need to go on a diet. i diet of the brain. sometimes i think too much as is. adding someone elses 2cents in makes it even worst. the emotional bond created by having intmate relations with another, was the topic. if nothing else it answered a struggle i've been having. not only am i passionate, once i attach to someone i very rarely let go. as least i didn't used to. to add intimate relations into the mix , no wonder i couldn't figure out why i was having a hard time letting things go and just roll of my back. it sure as hell doesn't help that i get involved with emotionally distant or non emotion men. it makes my feeling of connection seem all the more out of place. i know i don't want more then a friendship from said person, but i've had a mighty hard time explaining my strong connection to them. the comment made in the journal made things a big clearer. now that i know more of what i'm working with i can draw clearer boundries.

this blog lifts little stress off my shoulders tonight. i'm going into the holidays with a staff that is not even 50% to what i need. i've got half hired. half aren't picking up the info fast enough. a manager on maturnity leave, one having contractions 4 months early, and one i think will quit any day now. that leaves me with myself adn one other manager. technically i should have myself and four other managers. it's not looking pretty at all. thus the remainder of my stress.

in light of that i'm gonna head on out. too bad i don't drink or do drugs. that would be an easy way of running away. damn it! damn it all to hell!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

i've only blogged once since my last entry. i did something that "saved" it and now i can't find it. oh well.

i had today off. i slept in a little bit, cleaned house, and read a bit. i did watch oprah. i ususally don't. i usually don't watch dr. phil either. today i watched both. dr phil spoke with moms that were spread too thin and needed to find out what they needed to let go. they were misssing out and lifes little pleasures. oprah interviewed sting. wow! luv him. he said he could spend a whole day looking into a fire and imaging things. wow! ditto!

both shows shed more light into my life. i don't have any children. i don't have a signigicant other. i do however, cram my life full of crap. i feel like i always NEED to be doing something. if i'm not then i'm not usuing my time effectively. as my mom always says, she did so much more when she was my age and she was raising two kids. why then don't i do more with my life? i have the freedom and i definatly have the time. i don't know. i do, but her statement makes me think i'm a loser. i live alone in a nice place with two dogs and i depend on family and friiends for nothing. what part of that makes me a loser i have yet to figure out, but that's how i feel. sting was so comfortable with himself and with being and artist. it's his air. that is how he lives. i don't want to be in his shoes or his wifes. i want to be in my own. i liked oprah saying that if she could come back as anyone she would come back as herself. i like that idea. i'm tired of wanting to be someone else. i want to be me. i like me. i like my life. sometimes i just get caught up in other people liking or not liking me. i let that be the driving force in my life. all it really does is stall me. it slows me down.

what do i really want to do? i really wan to write. i love to write. i'm also completly terrified of doing so. i realize that each time i do or don't do something i've made a choice. choosing one thing is a choice to not do another. i chose to watch tv and read today instead of write. i chose to stay home instead of walk and enjoy the weather. i'm choosing to blog instead of hiding out on my couch. i choose personal growth rather then stagnation. these are my choices.

oddly enough my thoughts are not flowing from me as easily as they usually do. for the past week i've not typed. i sit here at the computer and i stall. i read the comments and journals of others and think, "i can not compare to there insight. i'm not fast enough, smart enough, creative enough...". the list could go on. then i think about my new fans on my other journal. they seem to think that not only am i, but that i will do just fine once i "settle in".

settle in, now that's a thought. just yesterday i was sharing with a friend how uncomfortable i feel in my life right now. i'm not overly stressed. my family isn't even calling me (nor do i really care). i losing weight( not thru dieting, just being more active and eating what I want). things in general are going really well. my life seems to be settling into what i'd hope it would be. i'm more confident, i'm enjoying myself a lot more... this is what is getting me. things are great and i want to run away. i'm so uncomfortable right now i don't know what to do. i want to stay away from the people i've met on the computer. i want to run and eat 2 burgers and frys just because i can. i want to eat all that candy that makes me tired and i don't get anything done. i want to go spend a ton of money on things i don't want. that is comfortable for me. i want to feel comfy and cozy. unfortuantly i've not gotten to the point that writing, painting, drawing, ect. feel comfortable to me yet. i'm rebelling against what i want.

i bought a pair of dansko clogs a few weeks ago. my arches are falling and berks. hurt too much. i will get some, but i'm breaking myself in with this pair of shoes. i luv them. they are comfy and i can work 14 hrs straight and my feet don't hurt nearly as much as they used to. it's all about the arch support for me. my feet and body do hurt a bit because they are getting realined, but that is normal. the pain with go away. when i wear shoes with out the arch they hurt more then if i were my danskos. it's great. my back pain is almost completly gone. i think about this because i don't always want to put them on. they aren't the cutest things in the world and somtimes it does hurt for the first few minutes of wearing them. the same seems to be happening in my life. i am doing things that are extremly hard to get started, but once i do i luv them. i get to wanting my old ways and in the end they hurt me more.

i have to admit, i am afraid. maybe more like terrified. i'm finding confidence and strength i never knew i had and i don't know what to do with them. how crazy does this sound? i'm afraid of not being afraid anymore. i'm afraid i've reached that point in my life where my past hurts don't define who i am or what i'm capable of. the realization that only i can define who i am and what i do has settled in.

i've ranted and raged about so much here. i am feeling lost without that anger. what am i supposed to do now? more importantly what do i want to do? i have my freedom and my space. that was my goal. now i have them. now what? i could go any direction and i'm not feeling a particular pull to anything...i don't think. the sheer number of possibilities scares me and i don't want to move lest i make the "wrong" decision. sometimes not moving can be good. right now i feel like i need to. there is nothing for me to fight against right now. i'm living a nice quiet life. finding ways to sabatoge myself has gotten old.

i'm ready to grin and laugh thru the discomforts of my new freedom. i'm ready to embrace the world of the living, rather then hiding from it.

cheers!

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