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growth chart

Thursday, November 20, 2003

it's another beautiful night. i went out ot walk my dogs and the sky is again amazingly clear. i feel good breathing in the cool breeze and gazing up. unexpectadly i begin to think of my ex. camping is always the first thing to come to mind on a night such as this. it must be becuae i usually camped with him. i loved those times. then i remembered my atronomy class in highschool. we went to our teachers house one night to see the constellations. he went with me. i remember me leaning against him and being held and kept warm. he could be so incredibly sweet and compassionate. i miss that. i don't so much miss him anymore. it's more of missing human touch. he was the only one i'd let touch me. now the people i would let don't live close. life seems to have a warped sense of humor a lot of times.

i did make an appt. with a therapist today. i'm going to see them dec 2. it felt really good to make the call. i'm just ready for the help. i'm ready to face my fears and move forward. i'm pretty excited. :)

off to bed i go. i need to be up super early. i try not to dwell on the past, but tonight i think i will think about being held under the stars on a cool night like this. it's a nice warm memory. just in time for the holidays too:^)

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

there may be a lot of things "wrong" with me, but there are a lot of right things too.

tonight is beautiful. the weather is clear and cool. the stars are amazing. i wouldn't mind sleeping under the stars tonight. instead i am at home and i'm going to watch the second tomb raider movie. it'll be fun. what are the things going thru my brain today/lately? hmm. how nice it is to be breathing. how lucky i am to have a functioning body. how little my family knows about my life and how much i like it. how free i'm beginning to feel now that i'm facing my fears.

i'm a recovering codependant. i need a doctor to help me now. i want a doctor to help me now. a friend said a few things to me the other night that really got under my skin. they said i sounded like a rape victim who blames themselves for being raped. how can i blame myself for everything in my family or how they choose to live. things happened to us all, i just choose to not let it get the better of me. they also said i feel more comfortable in adversarial relationships. ouch. i was being a butt and had my bluff called. they were dead on in both cases.

so here i am. finally admitting i need help. admitting i need to talk to a doctor. i'm not disowning my family as my mother believes. i don't , however, want to be bothered with them right now. no more then i want to spend time with my "church" friends or my best friend. i need to know that my decisions and thoughts are my own. i get side tracked very easily. this has been a good year. i have gotten side tracked, but not for long. it's nice to hear my own thoughts.

i want the best out of life. in order for me to get it i have to give my best. sometimes i do. most of the time i don't. no more. i want the best and i plan on getting it.

soooo, off i go...

laters

blue.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

What the fuck is wrong with me? that's the question of my life. i see the positives in life. i believe in the good. i want to love it. then i have a moment like this one. things look so sad for me. so fucking repetitive. i want to call on my friends and ask for help or for a pick me up. i'm not going to do it. i always feel worst afterwards. i've learned. i read an article about keeping fit and healthy. they say stress and unexpected things throw people off their tracks and the key is to keep going and to know it will happen. something always happens to send us into some kind of spin. i was actually having a tough time thinking of what would possibly keep me in a constant spin. why do i always feel like i'm fighting to swim against the rapids?

i actually answered my own question. i was molested till i was in 5th grade by my father type person. i found out in 4th grade my brother and i had different dads. correctamundo...the so called father figure told me...NOT my mother. after physical abuse stopped it was all conversational, thus my trouble with joking talking or thinking about sex without extreme guilt or feelings of needing to shower 100times. 6th grade first time to actually enjoy school and get constancy good grades. not a word from the mom. 7th grade go back to not giving a shit. sex talks continue. 8th grade tell him to change subject. he does, to other sex. he tells mom. mom angry at me for not MAKING him do what i wanted. right. it's my fault. they have humongous fight and he leaves. then he disapears, thus the feelings of guilt for asking for what i want. his family , my second and perffered family, exile us. they and the mom fight over missing mans money. it belongs to mom, but after 9-10 years they don't think she deserves it. the man hunt start. we find new church. missing mans van found. then missing man found dead. guilt increases. mom buys house and i go to highschool to start new. bank loses all moms money. can't afford to stay. 4 going away parties all to be for nothing. after each i go back b/c mom has put off moving agian. embarassment follows. come home form school one day and house is packed mom is yelling and we leave. only have time to make 2 calls to say good bye. move cross country. learn about prejudice. no one likes me. i don't act my color, but i am that color. mother beats brother. things get out of control. he bleeds, i tell counselor (no one else to talk to)counselor calls police. they take brother and tell mom i told. they aren't supposed to do that. they did. brother taken, but not me. i have to go home. all family and friends of mom call to tell me how horrible i did my mom. that she did nothing wrong. brother home. mom and brother form alliance against me. i am officiall outsider. no more contact with old friends. meet a boy...wrong color. we date. learn more about color rules. can't be intimate. 1yr to hold hands. almost to for first kiss. can't even slow dance with him. terrificed and i cry a lot over it. must choose a good college. i want community to play around and see what's out there first. mom says good private. we can't afford. i get accepted and i go anyways. brake up with boyfriend. get back together. depression sets in. learn mom has taught me noting about living on own. not even how to read a phone bill or pay it. engaged to boyfrend. go home. mom reads diary. huge fight. kicks me out. live with boyfriend and his mom. more fights with my mom. go back to school. mom sends evil mail. depression gets deeper. school counselor doesn't help. grades drop. start having rages and blackouts. leave school. boyfirend brakes up again. suicidal. mom tries to commit,b ut they won't take me. go to shrink and pyhiatrist both. get happy pills. pull hair out in one session. don't trust. same shrink as mom. meds feel great, but fake. stop taking. boyfirend back together. get a dog. antoher fight with mom...abusing her dog. i can't stand it. makes me give up mine. i'm moving. get my dog back from shelter,b ut comes back with parvo. dies horrible death. i leave. given another dog by boyfriend. still have her. she's 10 now. had since 10wks. screw a guy becuase i can. lasted one week. hated it. mom loses house and lives in motels. i get engaged to boyfriend again. we marrow. move in with his best friend and their wife. mom always asking for help and money. making me choose between husband and her. she moves in. we have fight. husband and i move to our own place. mom stalks at home and work. quiets down a bit. i know the pattern. i won't live like this. i can't to that to him. i know her and she won't ever stop. i leave. painfull long serperation. then the divorce. move next to mom. i've got nothing. ex and i try to work it out but no. he moves cross country to get away. omm and brother are insane. always there. i'll never be free. finally move back in after much pleading over years of mom. i can't afford it. allows drunken bro to come against my wishes. back fires and have lots of visits from the police. uncle comes. drugie and drinker. mom gets hooked. i'm bad guy. i'm afraid. of her. for my life. for my dog. ex comes back for last time. will never forget look of pity and sadness in his eyes when he left. shortly after i left too. mom moves home. i struggle to live alone for first time. mom "needs" constant help. letter from ex. don't bother we will never be again. few days before my 25th b-day. mom comes back. can't keep her away. car finally gives out and get another. must rely on moms help in meantime. meet a guy. nice. fun. get side tracked. start a new job. move cities. guy not so interested. never moved away before. work with people who don't like me. and lots of angry people. guy almost sleeps with friends. hate them both. have 1st scream at mom ever. find out ex is remarried. talk to ex. holiday madness. pure stress. new year. spend tax money on new crap and new job instead of planned on bills. constant trips to vet with sick dog and get into more debt. finally go on a real vactation. 1wk. out of country. wow. realize how much i hate me life. go away again. realize even more howmuch i hate my life. going into another holiday and realizing how much i hate what i've let my life become.

currently i'm feeling like a victim. and the one at fault. i am in a constant stated of emotional distress. with the above abriviated time line i have figured out why i am always tense and upset and have no clue what relaxation, saftey, secrurity, and pure enjoyment feel like. i am always on guard. even when i'm not. what am i going to do with myself. i don't want to lie down and accept this crap as my fate. this can't be how God intended me to spend ALL of my days. it wouldn't me right. if it were , i'd like to know what i did in my last life to deserve this, because i didn't do anything in this one. i can't imagine spending another 30yrs fighting like this. fighting to keep the positive. fighting for my "freedom" and sanity. maybe i do need a shrink. maybe i can' do this on my own. i thought i could. i thought if i wanted it bad enough and worked hard enough i could, but maybe this really is bigger then me and all my desires. i don't ususally ask why i'm doing this any more. it's usually just how am i supposed to? this just gets so over whelming and the harder i push the harder it gets. i hate it even more b/c the mom said i'd need help. according to her i should have been seeing a shrink ages ago and still be on meds. i hate to think she is right in anything, but especially this.

tonight is one of those that i can honestly say, if i don't wake up in the morning that will be alright with me. i'm tired of being tired. i'm just so tired. i'm trying so hard to see positives,b ut i'm tired of looking. i just don't care. i know they are there. i know life is beautiful and can be rewarding even with the crap. at 30 the scales are tipped so far the other way. i have no idea how to balance them out. the things i do find pleasure in don't seem to even make a dent. i'm not saying i'm suicidal. i'm just saying living isn't looking actactive right now. sleeping for a looooooooog time. does.

with that, i say goodnight.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

time is passing, taking with it precious moments. the decision before me is the same as since i was a child. what am i going to do about it. it. what is it? it, is life. what am i going to do about my life? in the past i believed not making desicions for what i wanted was simply not making a decision. i know differently now. not making a decision to have what i wanted was deciding to not have "it". my life is now full of things i don't want. so.... what am i going to do about it?

the thought occured to me that i am so angry right now, because i'm afraid. my temper flares so easily. what am i afraid of? i'm afraid someone will take away what i have. the few things i do have that i want i'm afraid someone will decide to take it or damage it. at that moment i felt 10 again. afraid someone would snatch away my dreams. the only way to avoid it was either to not dream or to do it only in my mind. i thought i was protecting myself. maybe i was. no. i know i was. now i am older and capable of living my dreams.

power.

hmm.

all the responsibility that goes along with it. i'm working on updating my mission statement and re-evaluating my values. most have become more true. last time i wrote them i was still afraid someone might read them and think i didn't have good ones, or the right ones. this time that is much less true.

if i were in her position what would i do? i don't know. i'm going to have to think on that one. to be forced to depend on others even for the basics. i can't imagine, but i will try. it is a reminder to take care of what i have. to waste nothing. to appriciate everything. to live.

i am not the same as i was 12mos ago. i don't want to be the same 12 months from now. the only way to ensure that will not happen is to keep moving. align my life with what i value. funny, i never want gifts i can't use. to me that is the best compliment. the greatest one i've ever recieved is my life. funny, i've never looked at it that way. sad too. i don't use it nearly enough.

i better get on the ball.

gotta go...i have an important call to make:)

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