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Thursday, October 30, 2003

SECRET LOVER

pieces
coming together
falling apart

music
tranquility
saftey

release
drums
rythym

my hearts' beat
a dancer
living for the beat

passion erupts
boundries do not exist
all are one

one with music
one with rythym
all cares are gone

comfort
intimacy
peace

music does not hate
music loves l
music welcomes everyone

notes caress my skin
rythem penetrates my soul
wispering to me "all is well"

mucic
my secret lover
my confidant

keeper of my deepest fears
protector of my secret heart
music

music runs thru my veins
when music hits my ears we become one
music and i

i feel music
i live music
am i music

music is always here
never judgemental
never too busy

always understanding
always there to catch my tears
always encouraging

i love music
music loves me
music


FELT BY BLUEFAIREE
btw, just realized that my link to my slashdot journal actually works! this means that if anyone is actually reading this and you have something you'd like to say, feel free to go to my other page and post a comment there:)
now that i am here so many things i want to blog about escape me. the weight of doubt is suffocating right now. my initial response is to run. i want to run to someone i know and stay with them. i want warmth, a caring reasuring touch. i want intimacy and connection. everything i'm not feeling at this moment.

i bought a "God" jar today. i've been tossing around the idea for years. today was the day. it's beautiful and it's huge. i have much i am in need of letting go of. in particular my questions and doubt regarding him and his intentions. our relationship and been rocky on good days. most days i just ignore him the best i can. i'm not going to run to him. i will take one step at a time. today i took a huge step.

saw kill bill today. thought about anger and vengance. a lot of times drawing, singing, ya-da ya-da, just isn't enough. the full flood (cataract) of my emotions is way to much and i just want to let it go. no holding back. my mind and body feel pushed to it's limits of holding back. i don't break. i want to though. right now is one of said moments. to be uma would be to let it all go. alas, i am not uma and i have to one to slice limbs from or decapitate. so here i sit type typing away.

a comment made in a journal i read earlier gave me even more food for thought. i'm honestly beginning to think i might need to go on a diet. i diet of the brain. sometimes i think too much as is. adding someone elses 2cents in makes it even worst. the emotional bond created by having intmate relations with another, was the topic. if nothing else it answered a struggle i've been having. not only am i passionate, once i attach to someone i very rarely let go. as least i didn't used to. to add intimate relations into the mix , no wonder i couldn't figure out why i was having a hard time letting things go and just roll of my back. it sure as hell doesn't help that i get involved with emotionally distant or non emotion men. it makes my feeling of connection seem all the more out of place. i know i don't want more then a friendship from said person, but i've had a mighty hard time explaining my strong connection to them. the comment made in the journal made things a big clearer. now that i know more of what i'm working with i can draw clearer boundries.

this blog lifts little stress off my shoulders tonight. i'm going into the holidays with a staff that is not even 50% to what i need. i've got half hired. half aren't picking up the info fast enough. a manager on maturnity leave, one having contractions 4 months early, and one i think will quit any day now. that leaves me with myself adn one other manager. technically i should have myself and four other managers. it's not looking pretty at all. thus the remainder of my stress.

in light of that i'm gonna head on out. too bad i don't drink or do drugs. that would be an easy way of running away. damn it! damn it all to hell!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

i've only blogged once since my last entry. i did something that "saved" it and now i can't find it. oh well.

i had today off. i slept in a little bit, cleaned house, and read a bit. i did watch oprah. i ususally don't. i usually don't watch dr. phil either. today i watched both. dr phil spoke with moms that were spread too thin and needed to find out what they needed to let go. they were misssing out and lifes little pleasures. oprah interviewed sting. wow! luv him. he said he could spend a whole day looking into a fire and imaging things. wow! ditto!

both shows shed more light into my life. i don't have any children. i don't have a signigicant other. i do however, cram my life full of crap. i feel like i always NEED to be doing something. if i'm not then i'm not usuing my time effectively. as my mom always says, she did so much more when she was my age and she was raising two kids. why then don't i do more with my life? i have the freedom and i definatly have the time. i don't know. i do, but her statement makes me think i'm a loser. i live alone in a nice place with two dogs and i depend on family and friiends for nothing. what part of that makes me a loser i have yet to figure out, but that's how i feel. sting was so comfortable with himself and with being and artist. it's his air. that is how he lives. i don't want to be in his shoes or his wifes. i want to be in my own. i liked oprah saying that if she could come back as anyone she would come back as herself. i like that idea. i'm tired of wanting to be someone else. i want to be me. i like me. i like my life. sometimes i just get caught up in other people liking or not liking me. i let that be the driving force in my life. all it really does is stall me. it slows me down.

what do i really want to do? i really wan to write. i love to write. i'm also completly terrified of doing so. i realize that each time i do or don't do something i've made a choice. choosing one thing is a choice to not do another. i chose to watch tv and read today instead of write. i chose to stay home instead of walk and enjoy the weather. i'm choosing to blog instead of hiding out on my couch. i choose personal growth rather then stagnation. these are my choices.

oddly enough my thoughts are not flowing from me as easily as they usually do. for the past week i've not typed. i sit here at the computer and i stall. i read the comments and journals of others and think, "i can not compare to there insight. i'm not fast enough, smart enough, creative enough...". the list could go on. then i think about my new fans on my other journal. they seem to think that not only am i, but that i will do just fine once i "settle in".

settle in, now that's a thought. just yesterday i was sharing with a friend how uncomfortable i feel in my life right now. i'm not overly stressed. my family isn't even calling me (nor do i really care). i losing weight( not thru dieting, just being more active and eating what I want). things in general are going really well. my life seems to be settling into what i'd hope it would be. i'm more confident, i'm enjoying myself a lot more... this is what is getting me. things are great and i want to run away. i'm so uncomfortable right now i don't know what to do. i want to stay away from the people i've met on the computer. i want to run and eat 2 burgers and frys just because i can. i want to eat all that candy that makes me tired and i don't get anything done. i want to go spend a ton of money on things i don't want. that is comfortable for me. i want to feel comfy and cozy. unfortuantly i've not gotten to the point that writing, painting, drawing, ect. feel comfortable to me yet. i'm rebelling against what i want.

i bought a pair of dansko clogs a few weeks ago. my arches are falling and berks. hurt too much. i will get some, but i'm breaking myself in with this pair of shoes. i luv them. they are comfy and i can work 14 hrs straight and my feet don't hurt nearly as much as they used to. it's all about the arch support for me. my feet and body do hurt a bit because they are getting realined, but that is normal. the pain with go away. when i wear shoes with out the arch they hurt more then if i were my danskos. it's great. my back pain is almost completly gone. i think about this because i don't always want to put them on. they aren't the cutest things in the world and somtimes it does hurt for the first few minutes of wearing them. the same seems to be happening in my life. i am doing things that are extremly hard to get started, but once i do i luv them. i get to wanting my old ways and in the end they hurt me more.

i have to admit, i am afraid. maybe more like terrified. i'm finding confidence and strength i never knew i had and i don't know what to do with them. how crazy does this sound? i'm afraid of not being afraid anymore. i'm afraid i've reached that point in my life where my past hurts don't define who i am or what i'm capable of. the realization that only i can define who i am and what i do has settled in.

i've ranted and raged about so much here. i am feeling lost without that anger. what am i supposed to do now? more importantly what do i want to do? i have my freedom and my space. that was my goal. now i have them. now what? i could go any direction and i'm not feeling a particular pull to anything...i don't think. the sheer number of possibilities scares me and i don't want to move lest i make the "wrong" decision. sometimes not moving can be good. right now i feel like i need to. there is nothing for me to fight against right now. i'm living a nice quiet life. finding ways to sabatoge myself has gotten old.

i'm ready to grin and laugh thru the discomforts of my new freedom. i'm ready to embrace the world of the living, rather then hiding from it.

cheers!

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

well, here i am again, after what truely feels like a pouty bout from hell. i made a comment on someone else's je and the reply simply put, sent me into uncontrolable sobs. the tears were waterfalls and the nose was gushing. my poor eyes were so tired and sore i couldn't stay up last night to even type about it. needless to say i'm very hesitant to continue on with commenting let alone journaling on line at all! i scored a point for myself just by having the guts to comment at all. i lost a point my being so damned sensitive. i guess i'm no worst off then i was before i made the comment. in any case i'm back. if for nothing else then to just say i'm not a quiter. i read some of my journal writings from ealier this year and from part of last year. wow. yesterday i was so concerned i'd not come for enough and today i was remined by myself that i've come a very long way. what i can do now and do accomplish is astounding. i really need to stop and give myself more pats on the back and hugs then i currently do. i'm entirly too hard on myself. i don't deserve that. i deserve the encouragement of others and of myself. if for no other reason then because i've earned the right to get it. for someone to say "you go girl. keep going and don't look back". i don't even remember the last time i talked to my mother or my brother. i don't miss them. i thought i was having a laps today with depression and i'm not. not even close. my poor little feelers are still sore from yesterday. i'm also sick of my place being a wreck. i'm almost done with my laundry. i should be carving my pumpkin right now, but i'm tired and i don't want to. i was way to exhausted to do it yesterday, but i did buy one. i also bought some flowers and repotted those for my balconey. i love it. i've not had a chance to really sit out there with them. btw, if anyone wants to grow a plant and usually kills them, go with aloe. i haven't watered that d*mn thing in at least 2 months probrably mroe and it's still not dead. given that i decided it deserves to be repotted and given new soil and some water. today really is a blah kinda day. i think i'll end here and call it a night.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

well, today i can truely say i am back. it really has been a while since my last journal entry. i've been out traveling for work again. it also didn't help that when i got home i had no dial tone. F***. oh well. i am back now. i was going thru withdrawl. i had so many things to blog about and no way to get to it. AAAAARRRRRG!

anyways, the biggest thought of the week has been boundries. well...one of the big thoughts. the other has been, what makes my heart sing. they are both intertwined. i was in austin for a few days last week and i stayed with a friend (my on the line friend). he also happens to be a friend with "benefits". i've struggled with the nature of our relationship for two years. it's been almost the same the whole time. there was about a 9mos period i didn't talk to him, but for a few times. he had made out with another friend of mine who also knew the nature of his and my "friendship". it got REALLY ugly when i found out. i'm determined to find my boundries and those of others so i can have friends. by definition i don't think they crossed any horrible lines. the fact that they know me and where my hurts are i think that they were insensive horrible pricks. i hated them and i let them know it. i've been with 3 men my whole life. my first i was with for 10 years. the second was a self destructive binge i was on and it lasted 2 wks. the third is this guy. needless to say i'm not loose at all. my "girlfriend" who did this is. even he is way more open minded and comfortable with sex and relationships then i am. it proved to be a learning experience for me. i hope for them as well. logically i know sex is not the end all to emotional attachment. in my mind i want a "sex toy" (a real person. i have the others thx). someone i can hang out with and have fun and if the urge hits us we can do that too. in reality i'm having a hard time keeping emotion out of it. let me rephrase. i am an emotional being. everythings i do is engulfed with my emotions. i am not wanting a relationship with this guy. he's nice and i enjoy spending time with him, but i don't want to date him. i don't think it would work. at least not right now. he's not what i want. knowing that i get so frustrated with myself when i get jealous he thinks someone else is attractive. i have this mine mine mine mentality when it comes to him and it's not healthy. i want it to go away. as with everything else i blog about i have a really good idea where it came from. i'm totally insecure. he knows me and too many of my secrets. i'm mortified that i might be tossed out with the trash when he finds someone else he likes better. that i won't be welcome to drop by and stay over even with no sex. i paranoid that the world as a whole is bigger, better, smarter, and more fun then i am. when i finally get someone who thinks i'm worth getting to know i don't want them to talk to other people because i'm sure they are going to realize the horrible mistake they made in choosing me as a friend. it's a vicious cycle. once i think that i start to shut them out. i prepare myself for the hurt they are about to inflict on me. it's a self fulfilling prophecy. he has been so much help to me especially of late. i know he cares. he doesn't think me a freak or unintellegent. he actually finds me interesting and fun. no i'm not a geek, but there are so many other things we talk about. he has his geek friends to talk to for that. i just try to constatly remind myself of these things and i'm hoping that one day i'll believe them. i honestly believe what will help is a significant cut back on the sex. we don't do it often...i don't think. at least once everytime i see him does seem like alot now that i'm looking at it. usually i could leave it. it's just a habit and i'm having a hard time breaking it on my own. i don't mind the fondling as much because that i love to do no matter what, but the actual end...going thru it all i usually have lost interest after the first minute or so. hhhmmmm. i just has a lightbulb go on. i'd love to just massage his behind for a while (or his p****), his back, shoulders, leg, foot. i don't really care. that i REALLY enjoy. it just occured to me that doing so makes my heart sing. when i'm doing it just because it's nice not because i want more. i usually don't want anything else and i don't always want that for long. lightbulb=OMIG, i'm a touchy feely person! woa! i had an idea, but never realized how much of one i am or how much i deny myself the warmth of human touch. it feels soooooooo good. :) i even hold back with my pups. especially in public. i'm so worried about what others with say or think. it's a beautiful thing that i am now learning to not care. i have to live with myself for the rest of my life. no one else does. even if i get married they don't have to stay with me, but i do. i've learned to asscociate touch with caring. when he doesn't touch me (hug, peck on cheeck, or even sit on the same couch as me) i feel like i've done something wrong and i'm about to be sent a pink slip for our friendship. then when he tells me about his other friends and crushes i get all hurt b/c i just know that they are me replacements. if i have sex with him he's bound to keep me around a little longer. he wouldn't if he wasn't willing to get so close to me. it's my assurance that i'm ok to visit at least one more time. WOW! ouch. this realization stings. i want to cry for myself. no from self pity, but b/c i am truly just starting to realize how hurt i've been my past by those that "love" me. look how much damage and been caused. i get defensive when he says i have a lot i need to work thru. my thought is "how dare you try and tell me i'm screwed up! i already know that.! i don't need any more help remebering it" i know it's not ment that way. he's just stating facts. facts and emotions don't always mix well. thank god i'm a logical person. even though the emotions don't go away i can at least talk myself thru it. wow. where to go from here? i guess i could let him know. i consider him a close friend. i don't think he knows that. i hope he considers me the same. if not then a good friend will do. i know he's in my life for a reason. i've got a very reliable gutt ;). when i listen to my feelings they don't tend to lead me astray. i love him. he's been super great...let me clarify...NOT LOVE, but love (friend). it will be good to just let myself feel that. i need to allow myself to show affection. logically i know it's ok to do so, but as much as i want to i still feel extremly odd doing so. it involves other people and sometimes they don't want it and the risk of rejection scares me into no doing anything at all. he and i have talked about how when we don't do the deed i leave in a serious funk. we've touched on this before but i don't think i REALLY got the magnatude of it. well, as always, i guess we shall see....

Monday, October 13, 2003

i'm back. i say that as if i'd gone somewhere. i must say this past month has been very trying. even for me, my emotions have been running high. it's worn me out. i'm tired, overly sensitive and cranky. it sucks because it's at times like these that i'd like more assurance from friends and family that i'm ok and i don't seem to have that right now. the few that i do spend time with are the ones i'm fighting with the most. my life isn't bad. i'm still on the right track. i'm getting there. i wish i could change me over night, but i can't. it's back to being patient. patient with others, with life, and most of all patient with myself. old wounds do not heal quickly or easily.

as for the whole dating thing, well i'm gonna have to take a break on that. i do hope to end up with that special someone. as bitter as i am sometimes i still believe. the thing is i don't want it right now. i don't want them to know me like this. i'd probrably run them off before they found out my last name. i don't want that. i want them to know me as someone who at least acts a little more sane. but for now there is just me.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

so today i face another fear. to ask for what i want. in this case i'm sure the person is not hurt or offended by it. they never seem to be. it's the one person i know that reads this blog and i've asked them not to. within seconds i get the reply that the bookmark is wiped out. maybe i'm more girlie then i think i am or i'm just more sensitive then i care to admit. both are probrably true. it hurts and is frustrating that they didn't ask why. maybe it is an obvious answer. maybe they just read it because they thought i wanted a reader and wouldn't care one way or the other. maybe as much as i try to tell myself that they are a caring feeling person i know that they really aren't. at least not for me or for what i need. who knows. i will never be able to read their mind, but sometimes i do wonder. i'm attempting short stroy writing. i've not gotten far yet, but my first baby steps have been taken. i'm having a really tough time right now trying to decide where to place my cares. i can keep to myself, but i'm trying to make new friends and build new relationships. i don't believe i've made really great choices in the past on who to trust. the temptation now is to go back to old friends and old ways because it is familiar they are still there and i can. i honestly don't want that. the friend i wrote about that i'd not heard from in so long sent me an email a few days ago. i just responded today. i had very missed feelings on the subject. i'm very confused about my used to be reader. i don't know what to do with them. could i really be growing out of those relationships and if so am i growing into a hermit? it would explain why i don't have any close friends right now. or am i just going thru growing pains. if so this sucks because it is causing me a lot of pain. much in the loss department. breathing thru it is the only thought that comes to mind. deep cleansing breathes. patience with life. with others and most of all patience with myself. maybe there really is such a thing as menopos at 30. all i can say are tears, tears, and more tears. maybe is the tears i've haven't been crying over the years. who knows. in any case they are coming and i've decided it best not to hold them back. no use in adding to what i'm already trying so desperatly to let go.

i guess my real question now is not how do i fit into other peoples lives, rather how do they fit into mine. the more i go through my list of friends the shorter the list is getting. the lonier i am feeling. the more desperate i become to make some niche for them. a niche that doesn't belong. i don't feel like i'm ready to let go. i'm afraid to let go. it leaves me to stand alone with no crutches. what is also hard to swallow is how seemingly easy it is for them to let go of me. maybe they've been doing it gradually just as i have. a. told me he just realized this past week he'd not talked to me in a while...3months. we used to talk at least 3 times a week. oh well. life goes on. it seems to have a habit of doing that.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

so it's the day after. i got up a little while ago and did my morning journaling. i usually don't stay in bed that late, but truth is i didn't want to face what i'd done last night. i know why i was upset and i wasn't real hard on myself, instead i just didn't get up. well now i'm up. when writing in my journal another, bigger, fear of mine came to my attention. i already new it a bit, but i'd never seen it so clearly. i'm afraid for people to know me. my other half. the part that they might like and if they don't will hurt the most. i've been telling myself that i've been showing who i am and things are fine. that this blog is a great way for me to let go and show the "real" me. the sky right now is very gray. not dark, just gray. every once in a while the grayness brakes and i can see a brilliant patch of blue or a shocking white fluffiness. with in seconds it's gone and the gary retruns. i expected that people would look at my life and at least one person would feel compelled to say," look what they did to her! it's not her fault she's cold and angry. give her some space and love her because she's trying." it's the reason i tell myself for loving my family. yes, there still is the child in me that loves them depsite what i know about living with pain and how to treat people kindly anyways. deep down in my heart of hearts i don't want that answer. i don't want to be a woman defined by the injustices done to me by my family. i want to be a woman who is strong, loving, creative, out going, and loved. someone who is all these things that happened to have these things done to her along the way. these things for too long have been my crutches. i want to walk on my own and not have to say these experiences are who i am. i want to say "this is who i am, and yet those things did happen to me, but they do not define who i am." as it is i can feel myself moving into ramble mode. the chatter that comes when i'm not angry and i want to share, but i'm afraid. the chatter can last forever. my husband never even got past the chatter. i saw past it, but not with my help. the irony is, the closer i get to someone the more anger and hate i pull out. the less i know someone the more fun i have and the more they enjoy my company. what a vicious circle. thus, my blog from last night where i don't feel loved.... it's my own doing. not to try and beat a dead horse any more, but i know where this came from. growing up i was semi popular. i would have been in everything doing everything is my mother and brother had been suportive and encouraged it rather then tear me down. being sesitive, caring, outgoing, funny, and never in trouble what not ok at home. i was constantly teased and called names. yes by my own mother. when i wantedt to go somewhere i had to take my bratty brother who always pouted in the corner or started a fight. i'd try to include him, even my friends were understanding, but he wouldn't do it and my mom wouldn't let me leave him at home. i became a babysitter instead of being able to really just hang out and have fun. being a goody two shoes was my mom's favorite term for me it seemed. or was it bible thumper? who knows. i always thougt those things were good expecially since my brother was the extreme opposite. always getting in to fights with teachers and beating up other kids. i liked going to church. i liked the social aspect of meeting people and soon just the ability to get out of the house without my mother. i was really just a happy go lucky fun loving kid. much like i am today. thing is the worst of the name calling and hurt didn't about until i became an adult. when i was 18 is when things really got out of control and my depression hit really hard. every year after that was worst then the year before with them. it lasted thru and after my marraige and divorce. i turned 25 four years ago. that was the last time i saw my ex. it was the way he looked at me that made me know before he said a word that i'd never see him again. love wasn't the issue. it never was. it was my family and my lack of a back bone or a life. my lack of action to make them back off and my continuing to put myself in harms way. that's why he moved across the coutry anyways. he didn't want to watch me do it. 10 years was enough for him. that was the first time i realized what i'd lost. not just my best friend but myself. i was a human punching bag. when he left that day i vowed that when i moved i would never go back. what ever harm was done to me while i was there would be my last payment for whatever harm i'd done them to make them treat me that way. it's been slow, but i havn't gone back. 4 years later i haven't gone back. they have pulled, pushed, and yelled, but i'm still on my own. everytime i get down i remember my promise to myself. i remind myself of the loss i suffered and how i let it happen. no it wasn't completly up to me, but if i suffer the loss again it won't be because of my lack of strenghth to hold off my family. i am not a depressed, bitter, and angry woman sitting in my apt crying all the time about my lost childhood. i don't have my rages anymore where i go thru and break all sorts of stuff and wake up to a horrible mess i have to clean up. i don't eat so much junk and sugar that i knock myself out or i can't think clearly. i don't hide from my family anymore either. i have created my personal space. i have managed to put up boundries for them and others. for the first time in my life i really do have my own space. my mother try as she might has come up with some pretty amazing needs this year. the biggest is to have my cosign on a house for her and let her work under my ss#. i'm proud of myself. not only did i hold my ground, but i didn't even really have a discussion about it. she talked i said no. she whined, bitched, yelled and asked why. my answer, "because i don't want to." oh yeah and the 2nd is illegal. it feels good, but i'm in a very scarry and unfamiliar place now. it was exciting for a while, but now it's just scarry and lonely. if i want to stand on my own i can't run home to family for a day of fun. i know better then to open that door, but some days i want to so badly. i want to go seek out those friends who havn't talked to me since i moved here just for a familiar face and to get some sense of connection. a few times i have and i recieve a sharp blow to the back of my head. dummy! that's why you don't hang out with these people in the first place. there is no connection. just the niceties people have with each other when we all go to the same church, but there is not sharing or real connection. it's all surface ,so we can have our "church" friends. that's what makes us good people. yeah, i can't do that anymore either. one of those people i've known since i moved here at 15. i have to keep in touch with him or go see him or i don't hear from him. before i left for m. i decided i wasn't going to call or email anymore are drive 2hrs just for a quick visit. he would give me a hard time because i didn't come enough. well expect for me calling him on his b-day i havn't heard from him in almost 6 months. his mom sends me forwards of funny stuff so i know he's not dead or she'd tell me. it's realizing i've out grown those superficial relationships that is hard. not because i really miss the people, but because i really do feel lonely sometimes and calling them just makes things worst. i do not mind being alone. as a matter of fact i make sure that i have some me time everyday just to spend with myself and my thoughts on life. i come to really cherish that time. i really do enjoy my own company. i am proud of who i'm blossoming into. just in the month i've been doing this blog i've grown leaps and bounds in the department of courage. i type these things here and they are really remaining echos of a very anygry and beaten down person. i'm not that angry nor do i consider myself beaten down. hell i've written more, painted more and danced more this month alone then i have all year! my paintings aren't millinon dollar works of art, my cross sticth is slow, and my dancing is a bit awkward still, but i am doing them and i am enjoying being a beginner. i love to learn. above all i LOVE to play! i don't have a college degree, don't have a house, a new car, or know much about the politics of the world, but i do know how to enjoy my life. i know how to have fun. every descision i make i think about being 90yrs old with alzeimers. if i am living my past over again what would i want to relive. a lot of fun, and a lot of adventures. having said that, today i make a new commitment to myself and to my unseen readers. i commit to sharing the true me, all of me to those far and especially those near. like i said last night the good people of the world get the love they have earned. it's time and i am ready.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

here's a pain in the ass entry for myself. i read one blog tonight and i'm am completly blown away by the intense discussion that was going on in the comments. i did have my own thought and the blog itself because it made my think of things i've thought about doing in my life. reading the comments is really what got me to thinking. this little piss ass life i call mine is nothing compared to that so many ohters have to live. i don't know that i want my comments to start working. someone might tell me to get off my sorry ass and get over it. on the ohter hand there aer people who would say i'm perfectly within my rights to feel this way and to be afraid of the things i am afraid of. talking about my life isn't about getting sympathy. people look at me differently when i talk about it. i've gotten fed up with it so i don't talk about it anymore. at least not until now. i don't want anyone's freakin therapy advise to "fix" me. if i did i'd have stayed in therapy. if that's not bad enough to ruin a perfectly good day, i just read a journal by someone i obviously don't know, but has seemingly more kindess and love in her damned pinky finger then i have in my whole mother fucking body! how low do i feel right now?! i feel like the scum that even dung beetles wouldn't eat. my bitterness and anger just seem so stupid yet i can't just snap my fingers and make them disapear. it's not fair. i know i sound like a 6 year old throwing a temper tantrum and i don't fucking give a rats ass! i'm so frustrated. i want to be happy. i want to care. i want to have nice things said about me too. i want someone to care. maybe they do, but i dont' feel it. i feel second rate. i get the left over affection. the good people get what they've earned and me, well i might get a pat on the back if there is enough left over. i'd rather get nothing at all. whatever, that is such a lie. i take what ever i can get my little grubby fingers on. i'm a bottom feeder. i always have been. that's what keeps the noose around my neck with my mother. she throws out these bits of compassion and i pounce on them like a starving lion pounces on a mouse. it doesn't do much more the hunger, but good lord, something is better then nothing. unfortunaely ever time i pounce i hang myself. it's always the same. pathetic. yup that's me. jealous and hateful of those that are happy and loved yet too fucking stupid to figure out how to be happy and loved myself. woe the fuck is me. now how's that for a god damned pity party! like i said i'm glad i'm too much of a fucking moron to get my comments up and running because frankly i don't give a damn what you fuckers have to say. in light of that, i'm going to drawn myself in my tears and hope that this night ends swiftly. no more wounds to my pride. god know i don't have that much to start with.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

today i type my blog for the first time without reading someone elses first. true what ever i type is what hurt is closest to the surface, but i can't help feeling like they are somehow tainted. when i read other blogs many times they are so honest and well written. even though they are sharing life as it happens if reads as if they are more together then i am. most of the time when i blog i feel like a raving lunatic. my emotions are ramped to the max and i am unsure how my fingers keep up with the images and thoughts i try to type. i've been home most of the day and have really been trying to "be nice" to myself. i ate well today. i painted even when all i could think was i'd make ugly pics or i had no good ideas. i played with them and almost quit 100 times. i finished both paintings. i took my vitamins today and the past two day AND i drank my water. i've never been a fan of water. as a matter of fact growing up i hated it. almost the only time i drank it when it was in ice form. other wise i drank milk. eating was always an interuption of what i was doing...a pain in the ass. i didn't too much care for it. i can see now how my attitude toward eating has changed. first i had to for health reasons. i'm anemic and taking the amount of iron i do without food i get violently ill. (when i take it) now that i'm older so many get togethers center around going out to lunch or dinner and it got old not eating when everyone else was. no i get compliments on my eating. i feels good to know i can do something right. unfortunatly it's something i really don't get a kick out of doing. i'm also doing it way too much. today alone i realized the amount i eat when i sit down is 3or4 times what it used to be and more importantly it's that much more then what i want to eat. even when i'm starving i really don't need that much. i don't want it. i do understand the importance of food for my body. it's really the only reason i used to eat. i don't know. i guess i'll have to try and find some sort of healthy balance.

i guess the thoughts of today really centered around sex. `sex, sex, sex. in one for or anther it kept popping up. i've done the dead before. usually i want it, at least on some level and a lot of times i initiate it. sometimes when i want it i just want it. funny thing is that lately i haven't. it's an odd sensation. i'm so accustomed to cloaking myself with food(chocolate), sex, and work. using this blog i'm finding that i have less and less i feel i need to cloak. i'm using these things less as a comfort. i'm actually enjoying them just for the sake of enjoying them as opposed to hidding from something. i did the dead the other day and it was the oddest thing. i actually didn't want to do it. i didn't mind, i guess a better word would be neutral. if i did great and if i didn't great. i found my mind wondering to other things like facial expressions. the feel of his skin under my finger tips. my mouth literally watering to taste his skin. crazy, weird stuff. well, crazy weird to me anyways. i think about it and i can't seem to come up with words to really describe how i felt. distant maybe. i wanted to be done because i had to go to work. i wasn't going to get to take my time and enjoy what i wanted. besides even if i did have the time i seriously doubt i'd have had the nerve. that's it! the nerve. my blog for the day. nerve. courage. gutts. balls. gumption. there are so many things i want in life. so many things i fight for. my sanity. my personal space. my job. my right to be single, independant, and an individual. to be happy. what i want is my freedom. freedom to make my own decsisons. to make my own mistakes. to be who i want. to be who i am. growing up i had no such freedoms. always back to my childhood. it's true though. i was molested for many years. first physically and then mentally. sex was always a topic of conversation if my mom wasn't around. i was in 8th grade or 7th when i finally got the courage to ask for a change in the conversation. that ended in a death, a loss of large amounts of money, loss of family friends, and my move to another state and the beginng of my teen age hell. it was my fault. everything that happened. things would have been fine had i kept my mouth shut and not asked that one little question. that one question is what started the fight with my mom. then he disapeared and then he was found dead. everything went down hill fromt there. asking for what i want and getting it was a very bad thing and it ended horribly. i'd never thought about it before, but i guess i do feel responsible for the misery for my family because it was my simple question that destroyed our semi quiet lives. i broke the camels back. that's why i take care of them and put up with their crap. i owe them. unfortunatly until tonight i didn't realize i owed myself as well. i owe it to myself to not give up on me. to keep being couragious and to really fight. i mean really. not starting things and not finishing them. not living in a constant state of fear. i live in the shadows. what i present to others in the light is not my true self. it's a lie. i hide in the dark. it's just like making love. in the light i am one person. i am proper and out going and good and i do things by the rules i think i'm supposed to live by. when the lights go out is where i am. lusting and hungry for contact. anxious for the touching and moaning and the climaxes. the naughty things people do behind closed doors. i as a bit dazed and maybe confused the other day. i was going thru the motions, but i didn't feel like i was there. my body was on auto piolot. there is a sensuality to my touching. a curiosity. a sense of adventure and fun. it wasn't there. a genuine me. when i look in the mirror i see me in my eyes, not a shell or a fake. i've never let my gaurd down when being intimate. ever. the risks are so great. i know the rewards are great too and even if there is pain there is at least freedom. often i wonder what it would be like to let my guard down. what would i be like? what am i like now. the same fears pop up. am i good enough. am i fun enough, and i serious enough, and i gentle or adventurous enough. the list goes on. it's funny looking back on my first relationship i'd have to say i really only let him look into my eyes and me into his once that i can remember. even then it was a very very short look. it was a major complaint of his. he loved my eyes but i'd never let him stare into them. it's amazing how vunderable i feel just letting someone look into my eyes. i know when i'm on guard and when i'm not. the past few weeks i'm less and less on guard at work. it's terrifying but refreshing. it feels good. what does this mean for my next intimate moment? i don't know. maybe he'll look and scream " omigod! you're a freakin looney!" and go running for dear life in the other direction. maybe not. the idea of letting someone in when i'm not in love with them seems odd, yet it seems safer because it would be easier to run away. alas, running is not my style. i'm pretty hell bent on facing my demons and running my own life rather then the other way around. learning i am such a warm fuzzy, huggy person is completly opposite of the way i was raised. it's not something i'm slipping into easily, but it feels so much better then the untrusting, bitter, angry, hateful women i was looking at in the mirror. intimacy. love. happiness. life. what a delicate balance between that and insanity.

Monday, October 06, 2003

back for another blog. i actually wrote one sat night and lost it. i was too frustrated to rewrite it. maybe i will attempt that on another day. truth is i blog about what i'm feeling most strongly about at the time. usually once i get it out of my system i don't go back. i'm seeing a pattern that might say i'm not really dealing with things. i'm putting them away and since they are not in my face i feel like i delt with them. no so. not completly anyways. today i've been focused on fear. they chapter of the book i'm reading right now is going over how to be compasionate to ones self. i laughed out loud when i read that. who ever heard of such a thing! being nice to myself. i was taught to be nice to others which a lot of times meant not being nice to myself. now i'm reading that to get to the next step i have to find compassion in my heart for me. whoa! i was really going to skip the chapter until i read the next paragraph. it was asking if i was hard on myself for being so lazy or a horrible procrastinator. if i was then i wasn't facing the true issue. that got my attention real fast. there isn't a day for a second even that goes by that i don't think those things about myself. if i just weren't so lazy, if i would just stop procrasinating... i read further which ment that i did more digging into my head. i never looked furthur to see why i thought or did these things or in my case didn't do things. i'm afraid. omigod! talk about a huge fucking bolt of lighting striking me square between the eyes. why don't i paint? i'm afraid it will suck, people will laugh, i won't know what to paint, i'll mess it up, ect. why don't i excersice? people will laugh at the big assed black chick thinking she could run even though she really should be walking, my butt shakes too much, i can't even lift the weight bar without weights on it, ect. i could go on for hours. hell i did this morning in my journal i only stopped after an hour because i had to go to work! i am afraid of my own freakin shadow! i'm afraid of failure at everything. from buying a home to putting on lip gloss. how the hell did i get here? i know. if you've read any of my past blogs you have a good idea of how i ended up like this too. crazy thing is today is the first day of my life i haven't thought of myself as lazy. i haven't gotten on myself about procrasitnating at all. it sounds stupid, but i don't care. i've walked myself past each fear today like i would a child who wigged out about the boogy man under her bed. you've got to comfort them first. then coax them back into the room and reassure again. then coax them into the bed and then reassurance. all along giving high fives for each step made towards the fear. i had a lot more fun at work today and my shoulders aren't nearly as pinched as they normally are. my voice even sounded steadier and stronger when i talked with strangers and customers. laugh if you want, but i'm willing to do anything to lead me to a stronger healthier me. the only thing i've noticed of late is my eating. i thought i was eating more to make of for the mental sheilds i've been pulling down, but i think i'm actually just realizing what i've been stuffing in my mouth the past i don't know how many years. lucky me i really do have i high matabolism. i'd be 300lbs easy if i didn't. today was the first day in a long time i too my vitamins. taking care of this body of mine hasn't even been at the bottom of my priority list. i talk about how big my ass is but i don't do anything about it. i really believe that as time goes the weight will drop off on it's own and i will naturally trim up. my mind and body tend to want to go for healthy. the better i feel about me and the more i like who i am the more uncomfortable my body feels. i can't see myself keeping the weight. i just feels kinda icky.

before i go i'll recap my lost blog. mom got rid of the two pups. moved to a new apartment where she will have to have a roomie again. didn't pay me back because i told her not to. if she had she'd have asked for the money again in two weeks. she called the cops on my brother for holding his girlfriend up in his apt. she wanted out adn he wouldn't let her out. of course he was drunk. seems like he always is now a days. mom thinks i hate the fam. i don't i just hate their lives and the choices they make. i hate the drama. despite my anger i do love them. i still hold to me not calling them if i don't have to. my mom says bro need therapy and meds. he really just needs therapy to work thru the unnatural bond he has with our mom. i know it is made worst because of her treatment of him. his feelings for her are too conflicting for him to be so close to her. unfortuantly she has the storngest pull for him and i don't beleive he'll ever get help or even know that he needs it. getting help would be to severe ties to and unhealthy relationship. when your world literally revolves around that person severing ties means death. i worry for him. i hate that she doesn't see it. i hate that she doesn't see what she does to herself. i am not finacially sound. i never have been. it is my big dirty secret. i live a life and put up a front that would tell otherwise, but i have way too much debt. unfortuantly half is mine own and the other half is from my family. i realized today why avoid paying bills so often. i'm afraid to not have money. i'm afraid that if i send it off something really bad will happen and i'll be screwed. when i do have enough i'm still afraid because i'm afraid of getting yelled at by comanies that i'm behind on paying. i hate ignoring them but my fear is greater then my need to be free. or should i say it was. i grew up in a home where bills weren't paid, electricity and phones would go on and off. returning merchanise bought was a regurlar part of our week. it is hard to admit. it brings me to tears that i live such a blatant lie of a life. i should go out like i do. it's not that i live above my means. the thing is i do make enough money. i'm at least smart enough for that. it's just that i let things go until the numbers become so big i am terrifed and then i'm paralyzed adn screwed. i guess i saying this only because i'm tired of the front. i'm tired of the masks. i like cheap or free stuff. when i was little i was frugal and i loved to save. between my mother borrwoing from me as a kid and now as an adult i'm become almost as bad as her. i just want to be me. not a mini version of my mother. right now i want to pay my bills off. i am afraid of what people are going to say and think when i can't go out or when i do i order water like i used to. i guess i air this because it is my greatest fear. regardless of my fucked up past i've always been ok because it wasn't my fault how i grew up. this though. this is my fault and i fucked myself over and that makes me the lowest version of butt fucking stupid idiots there is. it is the single reason i don't want to be in a serious relationship. i'm afraid they will eventually see my finaces and go completly off. then leave. i always said it was about my family but it's not. i can't change them. i can't control them. but my finances i can. i don't want to anwer "i don't know" or "i was afraid" to the questions "why didn't you pay the light bill or the car payment?" how stupid does that sound. i'm not stupid, slow sometimes, but not stupid. yet this looks just stupid. i didn't plan on blogging this nor had i even really thought about it util i typed it out. that's ususally what happens when i blog. i start with something simple and wammy comes out. when i blog it and they public sees this then i own it. i can already feel the tears coming. i am so afraid to post and publish this but i'm going to. then i will own it. there is no need to hide anymore because someone will know. one or a million. it makes no differnce only because i will never know. when i'm done with these i always tell myself it's millions because it makes facing the thousands i'll actually run into a walk in the park. now time for the hard part.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

i am going to attempt this. it may not make a lot of sense because i am super tired, but here goes. i was at dinner tonight with a group of friends watching people like i do so well. i began to watch the women especially. after about an hour or so of this i realized i was seeing them as competion. ok only some of them, but i was sizing them up. for what ever reasons society has totally brainwashed us all. i watched large groups of women young and old come and go and it really made me think. all of those we consider friends, mothers, daughters, ect., they are all on our hit list. when we look at other women the first thing we do is tear them down, especially if they are beautiful. i was watching beautiful powerful women walk past me and all i thought was negative things. then it hit me. why? i don't know these women. they don't know me. i know i am a strong independant beautiful woman and yet somehow if another woman walks into the room that whole image is shot until i can figure out what about me is more appealing. why? if anything we should be rejoiceing in our differences. i watched as men ogooled all that walked by adn they weren't even picky. so mabey the boy down the street isn't attracted to me, there are a bunch of someone elses that are. my favorite commercial right now is the one about menstral cramps and they show all these different tummies of women. every one of them is different and beautiful at the same time. i want to walk into a room and command attention because i am confident and beautiful in my own right without having to tear someone else down. how incredible would that be if we as women got together and really backed each other up instead of tearing each other down? wow!

just food for thought.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

i have been putting of the blog for days. i have to admit this has been an excellent way for me to begin to truely let go of a lot of hurts. when i was a child it was never ok to bring the outside world into our family "buisness". if ever i did even by accident i paid for it. talking about my feelings and how my life was at home wasn't ok either. i did that once in 7th grade. some how my mother found out. she told me that anything that involved me involved her therefore making it her buisness and not ok for me to talk about. needless to say i'm not great at sharing my life with others. i'm sick of being terrified of my mother. i'm more sick of feeling like my life is a giant secret. i will never know love, true friendship, or true freedom if i can't share myself with others. i am not property. i am a flesh and blood woman. all of my memories are mine and i need to share them. there are many things i will write here that i will never tell people i face daily. they don't need to know. no one really does, but i do need to tell. i need to open my heart and soul and let all this anger, rage, pain, and resentment out of me. it's not like i havn't spent years trying to get this together. i have. this is the last step for me. to know that even if people know what my life has been like, what i have felt and how truely miserabel i've been, that i will still be a welcomed member of society. i am still lovable. i am still desirable. my 2 cents is worth it to someone.

now for why i really am here today. more wounds yes, but never ones i've acknowleged as worthy of my full attention. i am a creative being. i love to make things. i haven't done any of this in a really long time. my closet is full of art supplies that i never use and yet it is never enough. i have one drawer that is full of stationary i never use. i know why i don't write to friends...that i just need to do to get thru it. the art thing though i didn't figure out until the other day. i have had alot of people put down my desire to create. finally i just stopped. the most damaging one was when i was in 10th grade. oh what a year. yep, when i was 15. i was already in texas, dhs had already happened and i was absolutly miserable. i played the clarinet. i was talking to a classmate about what instrument i'd like to learn if i were to pick up a second. i wanted to learn the trumpet. so many african-americans had made it big playing them and they were so awsome. even if i could get half that good i'd have been very happy with myself. hell i'd have been happy just to learn a few notes. my teacher mr. asswipe told me there was no way i'd ever play the trumpet. why? because my lips were to big. imagine that. my lips were too big. how does one deal with a light shattering comment like that? i'm already self concsious because the black kids won't talk to me because i act too white, the white kids don't talk to me because i'm black, my mother and brother have ganged up on me as the family trader, all of my friends are on the otherside of the country, and oh yea..did i mention i was 15? hello! only the hardest age to get thru because i hated everything about my changing hormonal body already. thanks for pointing that out. i hadn't noticed. that was it for my creative days. i really didn't try in school once i got here anyways, but that made it 100times worst. oh i don't think i mentioned the grief my mom also started giving me about acting white and wishing i was white and forgetting i was black. that was the big one...forgetting i was black. i never understood how i could do that. i faced myself in the mirror everyday hating what i saw. a little black girl that no one like...not even her family. the running joke in the fam is i'm the white sheep in the family. i play along because it'll help hide the pain. the pain of not fitting in. it's not my fault i was always the only black kid in class or in church. my brother doesn't count he's mixed. i was the only darkskinned one. my mother didn't tollerate talking black or walking black. now that i'm older the person she raised me to be is not ok with her. i'm stuck between two worlds. my husband liked my hair because it was poofy, but he didn't like to touch it because i had to grease it. when your friends touch it and make that ewww face like they'd just stuck their fingers in someone else's boogers you don't become fond of ones hair. everything about me is black expect for my walk and talk. i'm in a body i don't fit in yet at 30 i better figure out how becuause it's the only one i have. all my life i've hated my smile, the shape of my head, my hair, and my big butt. my mom always has pointed out how big my butt is. no matter how thin i am my butt is still there. my brother and uncle ceaslessly teased about my football shaped head. black people are much meaner to me then whites. whites just stare or ignore me. black people flat out talk about you to your face untill you don't think you can get any smaller and then they step on you to make sure they got you. maybe there is more to my enjoyed solitude then i thought. food for thought. anyways, back to my creative blocks. i was very creative as a writer. my teachers would always say that was wonderfu BUT. that word always came next. but. but, your grammer, punctuation, and spelling need a lot of work. the impression i always got was it would have been good if... which ment it was never really good at all. finally i got tried of hearing but's and stopped trying. no one was explaining spelling, punctuation, or grammer in a way it made since to me. no one ever has. it still doesn't make any since to me. having a computer helps some now. when it works. then i had the people that would say "that's nice" or "good job". i never believed or trusted these people. as far as i was concerned they were either paid to say it or because of there belief in God they felt they had to. then there was my mother who really didn't say much at all. she has everything we ever gave her, but i don't feel like it's because she likes them or thinks they are much of anything...it's because we made them. that's all. i could have taken a piece of paper and written my first name on it and she would still have it.

part of me wants to apologize because everything here is so negative. i keep most of my positve stuff for morning journaling. there will be no apology. the purpose of the blog is to let go of the toxins that have made my heart very sick. it's a purging. i know eventually it won't be so, but for now that is all it it. a much needed and over due release.

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